Zinedine 'Steel Head' Zidane - The missing link in Shaolin's lost arts

If there's one thing that Zinedine 'Zizou' Zidane has shown us, its not the shame nor the many discrediting names and titles the press throws at him. For all his time as a professional football player, I have come to realise that he had secretly been learning the lost skills of the Shaolin Martial Arts - "Tie Tou Gong" (pronounced 'Tee-air Toe Gonng') or loosely translated to be "Steel Head Kung Fu". This was especially apparent in his last World Cup Final against Italy where he demonstrated his prowess on a much deserving opponent, Materazzi. Perhaps he had wanted to pass on this lost skill to someone amongst the crowd, or perhaps he had wanted to test out his newly achieved prowess and Materazzi seemed to fit the bill of a good target. One thing's for certain - he's keeping a tight lip on why he did it.
I've taken the liberty to reconstruct the event where we can see in clearer perspective on how the powerful stance was carried out with deadly accuracy and near fatality only because he spared his life.

1) Summon all your 'Qi' or inner energy by assuming the "Striking Serpent Stance". Take note of how the arms are gradually forming a 'pulling' position' to steady oneself as energy is harnessed from the surrounding atmosphere. Breathing technique here is important otherwise a wrong breathing regulation could result from a serious injury, mainly uncontrollable laughter and later tummy cramps and aches.

2) After summoning ones' inner energy, immediately change stance into a "Horse Stance" or "Ma Pu". This is to prepare oneself for the attack as well as to steady oneself during the attack. Apart from looking good, this stance is also often used in ancient China for anyone who is suffering from severe constipation. The practitioner will often assume this stance with his/her pants down, and after inhaling a large amount of air, lets out a deafening yelp that can often be heard several 'li's away (a li is an ancient Chinese measurement equivalent to approximately 540 meters). In this process, stubborn stools can be forced out from ones' bowels thereby achieving great relief. Although often proven to work for most constipation sufferers, there has also been several undocumented reports of this stance going awry, most noticeably of the bowels and intestines being flushed out instead.

3) As the opponent closes in, focus on aim as to where the intended strike will fall and with summoned might and strength, exhale as one let loose the fury that's been built up inside. The Westerners call this process "blowing your top off". Any additional pain and hurt from past experiences i.e. dumped by girlfriend, abused by parents, molested by uncle, ostracized by friends etc. may be psychologically useful in attaining an almost invincible status of having a "Steel Head". As humans are made up of many acupressure points, one must learn all these points to understand what one wants to achieve from such a strike. In Zizou's case, he had chosen the point of between 'Immobility' and 'Near Fatal' point. Study the picture shown to understand where the points are.

4) When executed correctly, the opponent should feel the immense impact as well as the emotional hurt and pain from the striking party. This will then cause the opponent much grief from such a strike as can most often be accompanied by tears from crying, shouting and wailing as well as moaning and groaning whilst being on the ground. Some may even experience a strange convulsion followed by foaming from the mouth. The more emotional hurt one experiences, the more pain the opponent will feel. This was well demonstrated in Adam Sandler's movie "The Waterboy".

5) This ancient Shaolin skill is not for the uninitiated or better known amongst the modern world as 'the wuss'. One must make sure that the opponent flies 6ft away just like in the Hollywood movies or at the very least falls to the ground from the head-butting impact. If the opponent does not flinch or did not fall to the ground moaning in great pain, one must either follow up with another strike in the same area or resort to another Shaolin skill known as "Hol Zhi Cai Tao" (pronounced 'Ho Tze Ts-Ai Tao') or literally translated to be "Monkey picking the Peach". Having such a fancy name, this move basically requires the practioner to just grab on the opponents' testicles without remorse and crushing it while tearing it away at the same time without regret. If the battle is won with such methods, one must remember to pull out a bunch of the opponents' pubic hair as trophy that the move was executed with perfection and that it was won beautifully without resorting to dirty tactics and moves.